I keep on having a recurring dream of my previous house in The Roads neighborhood. "As The Roads turn" we used to say when we lived there. When I say "we lived there" that is many people, my ex-husband and I, my mother lived with us periodically, my daughter was born while we lived there, my sister lived with us and my brother as well at one point. So many memories of guests staying, parties, family reunions, birthdays, weddings, and anniversaries.
These recurring dreams started one day when I couldn't find an item I recalled having once. It happens often, I find myself looking for a piece of clothing, decorative object, or kitchen item. In my mind I can vividly remember where it was in my old home, I remember where I stored it so clearly, I can almost touch it. I gave away so many items when I moved. I sold my house and Mathew and I decided to finally get married, yes, he proposed. But that is a story for another day to tell. Back to my old house.
These dreams were conceived prompted by the frustration of not finding these multiple items and shaking my new little house upside down to no avail. These occurrences crawled to my subconscious and creeped into my inner world. Every time I couldn't find an item, I would have the same dream. I walked into my old home, fully knowing it was not mine anymore, therefore very stressed that the new owners will find me there. What would I tell them? I was trespassing and sure enough they would call the police. I would become a headline, "Florida Woman Breaks into Her Old Home. Police said she was looking for a vase she left behind". That vase, and so many things I know I didn't leave behind, but I gave away, my mind knows I packed them in boxes for Goodwill, but my heart has no recollection of it, and it turns out the heart sometimes rules the streaming channel of dreams more often than the mind.
The last dream of the kind was also of me entering my old home, I walked into the back room, the bedroom that became my mom's permanent room after I got divorced and she came to live with my daughter and I for long periods of time. She was our savior, filling all the left-out space with love, like she knew best. I don't know what I would have done in that big house without her.
In this last dream, finally all my items were visible in her room. Things I had not seen in so long, and there she was sitting in her favorite chair, watching her favorite show, Jeopardy. Little did I know these lost items were leading me to her all along. I spent time with her and at one point I knew I was dreaming and remembered she is no longer with us. I knew I had the gift of that moment, and I took it with all my soul. I didn't bother explaining this to my heart. I now understand that as much as I have found true happiness in my new home, (the kind I always dreamed of), still the memories in that house, with my mom, my daughter, even with my now husband are still so alive within me. It is that place in my heart where I can always walk to meet her again, hold her tight and love her. I know she is with me always, but when I dream of her in that house I can feel her, touch her warmth, and hear her laughter. It is the special place where we can always find each other, that lives within me for life.
