A New World for Both of Us

My daughter is growing up and I'm starting to learn that all the clichés of the angst of a pre-teen kid are somewhat true. We were both driving the other day and she chuckled, I immediately asked her "what's so funny?" To what she replied, "Oh, it's an inside joke mom." I wanted to let her know that is not how you usually apply the term "inside joke" but I didn't want to annoy her. She used to share all her thoughts and wishes with me. I'm lucky though, she still shares a lot with me, I won't complain. Our few arguments revolve on me not letting her have the freedom she wishes to have. Like going shopping with her friends with no grownups, wearing make-up or going to sleep at a decent hour. I think I will miss these days when the arguments become about boys and parties, but I'm not there yet. Her biggest argument is "The other parents let my friends do this or that." It's true some do, but most don't, and when I tell her that she rolls her eyes and walks away. One of the battles I have chosen not to fight anymore is the one of a closed bedroom. "Fine," I said one day, "you can close your door but never locked, I can walk in your room whenever I want to and that includes looking in your phone as well."

Today she was remodeling her room again and after she was done she went downstairs to watch some TV. While in the bathroom I couldn't find my favorite nail polish and I went inside her room where I often find many of my things, from clothes to beauty products. And there I saw what she was working on, a world map with pins on it. Clear ones marked the places she has been with me or her dad and red ones of places I presume she wants to go to. I looked at the map and it warmed my heart,” how sweet” I thought. I could see her traveling to all these places and it made me smile to know she had a curiosity to learn of different cultures and people. I then realized she missed one she visited with her dad, Costa Rica. I grabbed a clear pin and pinned it for her. As I did that a red pin fell. "Oh no," I thought, "where does it go now?" I picked it up and looked closely. Brazil had a whole in it. "Perfect! It goes right here." I said while pinning it. But it just didn't slide in. As I pushed it harder I noticed the red pin had just been painted with nail polish that was now all smeared in my fingers. This sure would look bad if she walked in while I was messing with her map with my hand full of red polish, proof of my nosy deeds. I heard her walking upstairs so I pinned it on an angle and left the room giggling like a preteen myself. I quickly walked in the bathroom and grabbed cotton to erase the guilty red on my hand with nail polish remover. "What are you laughing about mom?" She asked. "Oh, nothing” I said, “inside joke." I finally got what she meant in the car. Sometimes it's nice to keep our private thoughts just to ourselves.

An Adventure Worth the Risk

I've been thinking about you a lot and it feels good. On a bad day, craving reassurance makes me wonder what to make of this and in a good day I can see us flowing into and towards destiny with ease. Good days are prevailing though, propelled by a wave of love and passion, lots of passion because I can't stop missing you and it feels amazing when we are together as one. Perhaps that is what being in love is. Maintaining that delusional state that trusts all will flow into place. Because it feels good and it fills my heart with joy that overflows outwards. And maintaining that delusional state is all we can hope for. Because it means that no matter what, one person in the world gets you and has your back. Regardless of your flaws, one person believes in you and will not drop you when things get tough. I've been dropped before and it broke my heart, but it didn't break my spirit and while mending myself I realized the person that has my back has to be me. Because you can't force someone else's heart and free will, and wondering is self-inflicting pain. You can only wish for the best because as much as I might wish for someone to fill my heart with joy truth is no one else but me can finish that task. The reason why my heart broke in the past was because it was not whole to begin with, that missing part made a weak heart that yearned for a filler. I'm afraid to admit I find myself sometimes yearning again, perhaps driven by old time insecurities that are hungry for reassurance. But do not fear, this time I won't fall back into the rabbit's whole anymore. It's impossible because I'm not the same person. I don't let Cupid on the lose these days. I now understand is not his duty, but generous as he is he has given me his tools to complete my quest. With a whole heart I plan to attend love's battle-field and seek for true love once more. That is an adventure worth risking it all for.

*Psyche and Cupid-Louvre Museum

A Sucker for Second Chances

Getting back together with an ex is not easy to explain specially if you have traveled that road before. Friends used to offer advice now they just find themselves out of words. They either keep silent and just offer a "well that's good." The more sarcastic ones say " you know where that road leads." The truth is no, I don't know. As no one knows where life would lead them to. I can only guide my decisions with how I feel. All my body screams "this feels good this time, he feels different and I know I am." A friend that falls into the sarcastic category told me, "You've said that to me every time you've gone back with him." Maybe she is right because every time we were indeed different, second chances come disguised as wonderful opportunities to redeem or fix our wrong decisions. You can see it her way or mine, it all depends on how your instincts perceive it. If you let the cynic in you step in, your mind will make sure to find old insecurities and fears and line them up one by one to recreate what proved to be the demise of the relationship.

It's like going back to basics except this time I want to give second chances a real shot and even though I don't expect people to understand right away, I am looking forward to seeing them understand it eventually.

There is no Place Like Home

There is one place I want to always go back to, that is home. Home is no longer my birthplace. I am enjoying the gift of being back in my country of birth after five years and it has been a wonderful experience. No matter where I go to, even if it's a place I enjoy, what is now home always calls me. The city where I live is not a perfect place. I still have unfulfilled dreams there and not everything is as I wish but I'm building something of value and I am grateful for it. Like Dorothy in the land of Oz, even though her hometown was not perfect she was faithful to where she felt she belonged, what she proudly now called home. And she made it back there but like everyone after a journey she grew to appreciate her world even more. And that is one of the gifts traveling bestows upon the lucky ones that dare explore the world. The gift of gratitude and appreciation for what is ours, now distant and far. Sure we enjoy every second of the journey but if we come back with a grateful heart it only makes us better. Gratitude is the biggest miracle worker and pouring it towards home brings the colors found during the journey into our lives.

A World Built out of Memories

I grew up in South America. The month after graduating high school I came to study in the States and eventually decided to call it my permanent home. Twenty five years have passed from the day I stepped into a plane and flew towards my new life, one full of wonderful experiences. I am back in my home town after five years without visiting, Much has changed since the days I lived here as a child and traveling back always brings back memories, the air, the food, its people. Feeling love from my friends and family is never a difficult task over here. One feeling also comes back, that is my childhood world, but not the one I'm describing of my beloved hometown but the one that lived deep inside my mind as a girl and still lives somewhat dormant within, where my vivid imagination created characters and great adventures. My imagination was my safe place and I never felt lonely while there. My fantasies had created a parallel world that involved faraway lands and exciting adventures. Funny how coming back has ignited another parallel world that I suspect was just patiently waiting to be awakened by the little girl in me. In this world I am still a child, my home is filled with the joy my siblings and whole family brought out in me. Here nothing has changed, my grandmother tends to our garden, my room still holds my toys in place. I enjoy my big home oblivious to the fact that it would one day be sold and I would never see it again. Happiness rules this scenery and the not so happy memories have mysteriously vanished. This magical land is very much alive somewhere and its a very sweet reminder that it is always there in case I need a safe place to run to.

Lonely Mountains

Traveling back to my country has been a remarkable experience, especially the road trip I took with my family. We left the coast towards the high lands to our final destination the high part of the jungle. My niece lives there and we were eager to visit her and meet her husband and their baby girl. While traveling by car through the highest peaks I heard the mountains talk softly to me. The high land mountains and the jungle ones all said the same. With sorrow in their voice they explained how they resent the roads built on them. That was not the deal they said, our guts were cut open and our faces slashed in return of giving people the joy of experiencing the nature of their land. But instead cars pass by eager to go somewhere but they don't stay. We yearn for people and want to hear their laughter and excitement; instead we just receive car pollution spread on us in a rush. That is why we are not ashamed to admit we steal souls for joy. We command distracting exotic flowers to grow by the edge of cliffs, we create fog to blind driver’s eyes, snow from the highest peaks are at our command to release its furry upon traveling cars. All our efforts are not in vain because we aim to invite as many humans rolling down to our feet. But don't fret, we promise a peaceful departure down in our arms. Our sweet traveler's decayed bodies have led us to the souls that remain. And when they wake up they stay because we, the highway mountains offer all you can dream of. It's a shame it has to happen this way but if we catch you, you will be thankful we did.