Like a Teddy Bear

Dry witted Sean is affectionate and sweet? What?! That is what I thought after my daughter Amber said to me that her dad and girlfriend are the most loving couple she's ever seen. A robotic style smile came out from me. Sean and I had been divorced for years by now. I genuinely love him like family and I can honestly say I want his entire happiness to come to fruition. His girlfriend seems nice and level headed unlike the plethora of girlfriends that paraded over the years. I was happy for him but that remark hit home a bit. Affection was one of the things I almost begged from my ex during the years together. He was never able to do it much. He had other positive traits. He was witty, ambitious, he showered me with gifts and we traveled the world before Amber was born. He was also hysterically sarcastic and very charismatic. Nothing seemed impossible in his mind and I felt safe with him, protected and loved. I was not crazy passionate with him though, I discovered that kind of feeling after my divorce but one can love deeply without it. 

Sean was my first boyfriend; I married him before I could legally drink at my own wedding. I was very much in love with him and I constantly fought for us to grow emotionally closer. To hear that he was practically a teddy bear with his girlfriend was unexpected. All this time I thought it was him who didn't want to open up but maybe in all our years together I didn't inspire him to do so. It was time to ask my therapist. No, not Dr. Steinberg but my hair dresser, who knows me better than most people. If I ever go missing please refer to him. He would know exactly where to find me. He once told me, "When you find a person that complains about their partner lack of love you usually have to look at the one making the claim." He was wise, It's a basic principle of spirituality. It takes two to tango, you get what you give. I was left without a husband years ago and maybe it was time to revisit what happened again. Healing had flourished regarding my divorce and I didn't feel like a victim anymore. Now I wasn't afraid to take an honest look within and find out what kind of love I held away from him. Because if I kept it in then it was still inside of me waiting for me to find, unlock and release.

Related stories: The Doctor is in, A True Friend, The Alchemist